In my weekly
mental health chat,
a discussion recently ensued about going to
one's high school reunion — and how common
it is to be ambivalent about the experience
of reunions in general. As someone who's own
milestone college reunion is coming up (and
yes, I am going, and quite
enthusiastically!) reunions have been on the
mind. And what mixed feelings they can
bring!In the age of
social media, reunions have lost a bit of
their past purpose of satisfying sheer and
unabashed curiosity ("Oh my god, he does
still have that amazing hair!"), since
people are better able to keep tabs on what
their classmates have gone on to do with
themselves and their lives. On the other
hand, social media has increased the
enthusiasm for reunions in some ways, given
that you may be more excited to spend time
in person with people that you have already
gotten back in touch with and communicate
with. It has also has made it easier to
spread the news about the reunion itself.
Surprisingly little
psychology research has been devoted to the
emotional and cognitive aspects of attending
reunions (I guess most researchers are too
busy in the lab to think about their
own!). But a
study
in the 1980s
determined that the biggest predictor of
whether people would attend is how positive
their actual memories were of their school
experience, which makes sense. And
apparently people who didn't feel that they
were particularly "popular" were worried
that, if they went back, no one would
remember them.
It stands to reason that
more
extroverted people will likely be far
more comfortable with the idea of a
gathering where they don't automatically
have established social ties. But even
extroverted people tend to be more receptive
about going to a reunion if people with whom
they've remained in touch — and can talk
with more easily — are there. Across the
board in the aforementioned study, the
fear of knowing no one was a common
reason not to go, as were concerns about
finances, travel, and the idea that one
wasn't in a place in life that was
impressive enough to show off to others.
On the other hand, the top
reasons people were likely to go were to
renew old friendships, see how others had
changed, and to show off how they
themselves had changed. For some people I
have worked with, it feels like an important
step to reject the old you and establish the
new —especially among people who still may
be stuck on the old version of you.
But particularly salient
is a sense of community and familiarity —
nostalgia is a powerful thing. The old
neighborhood, the campus buildings, the two
same names organizing the whole shebang who
also organized your prom — that can all
invoke warm fuzzies. This seems to get even
more special as you get older. Indeed, the
older the attendees were in the study, the
less caught up in comparisons and status
they seemed to be, and the more they
appreciated what it meant to reconnect — and
the power of the passage of time, for better
or for worse. Perhaps when there are a few
extra decades gone by, the reality that not
all of your classmates are still alive, and
the fact that so many of them have suffered
their share of heartbreak, puts things in
perspective. And it makes it much less
tempting to focus on who is making the most
money — instead, you can just connect.
As someone who is an
admitted reunion aficionado (food,
laughing, memories, the possibility to
be surprised... what's not to love?), I have
seen several clients go through the calculus
of whether to attend (and urged a few of my
friends to take the leap). While I'm happy
to report that I have yet to hear of anyone
who decided to attend and is sorry they did,
there are a few considerations that appear
to make it much more likely you'll enjoy
yourself:
- Go in with an open
mind.
- Be willing to discard
old narratives — about yourself, and
about others.
- Establish the
boundaries (around
alcohol, conversation, and length of
stay) you need to feel comfortable.
- Remember that it's
about connection, not a contest.
And finally, take heart
that the potential payoffs may be even more
significant than you realize. As I have long
extolled the emotional and physical benefits
of social support, I'd be remiss if I didn't
point out that one of the most substantial
longitudinal studies
of all time showed
that the quality of interpersonal
relationships is one of the most significant
predictors of longevity. It's true: Quality
friendships can make you live longer, and
they can make those years richer and
happier.
Whether old or new, I
can't imagine more fertile ground for
friendship than a gathering whose sole
purpose is to connect people who have
something in common.
So, if you're on the fence
your next reunion season, why not give it a
try?
